This Scares Me Every Time

capturedCostumes, candy, and the tradition of knocking on a door to ask someone if they would prefer a trick or a treat is a thrill for my children. And, I must admit, it’s a thrill for me too. But my favorite Halloween tradition is the costume, of course! How fun it is to have an excuse play dress-up?

For past Halloweens, my costume choices were inspired either by movie or literary characters. Often, I’d choose to dress as a glamorous character. Hands down, my favorite Halloween go-to is Holly Golightly (portrayed by Audrey Hepburn). After putting on the big black hat, the little black dress, the perfect pointy kitten heels, and the big sunglasses, I’d look in the mirror and come face to face with my most dreaded inner monster. Granted, a very chic monster, but a monster no less.

Yes, a monster! Deep inside of me is the monster known as “Not Good Enough.” It’s only in the last few years that I’ve became fully aware of its existence. This self-perception has been lurking inside for some time. And because I held this perception, I was constantly trying to be anything but who I was. It’s no wonder that this Breakfast at Tiffany’s character resonated with me. I really empathized with Lulu Mae Barnes’ desire to transform herself into Holly Golightly. She was running away from her monster!
My monster loves to tell spooky stories about how I am less than perfect. And, like Lulu Mae Barnes, it seems easier for me to run away from those stories. But we all know that you can run, but you can’t hide. The monster will be there hiding or lurking or locked up in the closet demanding attention.

I believe that my “Not Good Enough” monster was helping my breast cancer flourish. I knew it was time to face that large, ugly, frightening beast. It was time for a makeover—time to put away my Golightly LBD (limited belief descriptions) about myself; time for an LBE (lovable because [I] exist) style.

What made me open the door and go in to that dark place? A shaft of light, the presence of God, Spirit, Universe. The light beamed into the darkness and I felt this amazing presence waiting to dress me in the most radiant garment of pure love. And when I went forward with that light, I was able to hug my “Not Good Enough” monster and let it know that I am perfect the way I am.

Now, I’m still running. But rather than running away, I’m running toward my life and all it has to offer. And as I run to the beckoning light me, I’m often overwhelmed with the blinding joy of just being alive. Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “Do one thing every day that scares you.” This Halloween, embrace your inner monster. You’ll be glad you did!

(This is a repost from October 2012.)

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